Let me describe you for a second..
You are a young adult. You are transitioning from adolescence to adulthood. You are maturing, growing and learning. You are on the journey to becoming a better you. You are determined not to repeat past mistakes. You are good. You are solid. For the first time in a long time, things are making sense. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders. Although things are not as you would like them to be, you have made significant progress in your life. You have learned the art of hustling to pay the bills as you are on a mission to find what your purpose in life is. This is adulting folks and you are doing it well. But, there’s this one area in your life… your love life. You have been involved in a relationship for quite sometime now. You are crazy about this guy or girl but he is on the fence about you. One minute they want you, they next minute they don’t. One minute you’re together, the next minute you break up. They say they don’t want to loose you and that they love you but their actions SHOUT anything but love. Your heart has been mishandled by them over and over again but you can’t help but go back. You have heard every excuse in his or her book but you have stayed because quite frankly, you are crazy about this person. You have tolerated all their crappy excuses and now you KNOW it’s time to move on. Deep down you KNOW things are not going to change. You know this person well enough to know that if things were going to change, they would have by now. You are tired, angry, frustrated, over it but still love this person. You want to move on, you know you to NEED to move on, but you just don’t know how. In the words of Chingy, every time you try to leave something keeps pulling you back (if you don’t know who Chingy is, its fine, just keep reading lol).
This post is not about telling you that you need to let this person go. You already know that and you don’t need another reminder. The pain in your heart from your last heartbreak sends a clear message. However, this post serves to show you what freedom and clarity looks like when you finally decide to let go and never look back.
I get you. I completely and totally understand where you are (well not literally but I definitely empathize). I have been involved in this type of relationship, not once but TWICE in my life. The first time was really painful, the second time was devastating. I literally didn’t know if I would come out of it. See, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I love easy and I am tenderhearted. When I am involved in any type of relationship, I give it my all and expect the same in return. I gave my all and in both situations, my heart was ripped out of my chest, stomped, violently devoured, and then given back to me with blood dripping from his grinning mouth.
After my second major heartbreak, I prayed. I needed help and the people I loved -no matter how hard they tried – couldn’t help me. So, I asked God to help me. I asked him to show me what love really was. This for me was the beginning of my spiritual awakening; my love journey with God. I intentionally pursued my healing. I needed to KNOW that I was loved because I had encountered too many people and circumstances that told me I was not.
Here is the point of this blog. I want to show you what I have learned so far in my love and healing journey with God. I want you to see what is possible when you are brave enough to let go of what you have now to embrace the greater that is possible for you. I want you to see the imminent danger you are facing by not letting the dead weight go. The truth of the matter is, that relationship is ruining your life and destiny.
Please note that when I am using the singular pronoun (he), I am referring to both of the failed relationships I stated above. I choose to use a singular pronoun because ultimately, I was attracted to the same type of
Let’s begin, shall we?
It was not him, it was me
Don’t get me wrong, both of the guys I was with had their own issues. I am not saying they didn’t. However, part of growing up is choosing to look within to examine the areas you fall short in. You can control no one but yourself. After all, it takes two to make a relationship work. As I examined myself, I realized I was settling in crappy relationships because I didn’t think I could get any better. Both of the guys I was involved with were very handsome and deep down, I was shocked that they would be with someone like me. I had low self-esteem.So I held on tight, thinking this was as good as it was going to get. As you are already thinking, this is not a good foundation for a stable and healthy relationship. And because I was starting off on this foot, the relationship was doomed to fail.
I didn’t love him, I loved love
I have a love/hate relationship with romantic movies. I love them because some tell a really good story and who doesn’t love a good story?! But for the most part, to be brutally honest, they are unhealthy and deceptive. They leave us with unrealistic expectations of what love should be. And because as women, we already have an innate longing to be loved, romantic movies goes straight to that place in our hearts and fills us with a counterfeit love that simply doesn’t exist. Again, as you have guessed, I watched too many romance movies and fell in love with an idea rather than the real thing. This caused me to put expectations on boys that didn’t know how to love, much less live up to this unrealistic expectation.
I needed someone to love me
Simply put, I was desperate for love and would get it by any means necessary. If that meant staying in a relationship with a boy that couldn’t see my value then so be it. I treasured the scarce golden moments we had in the relationship. These scarce golden moments showed me what the relationship could be. They gave me a false hope that things would get better. But it didn’t and the wound in my heart from lack of love only worsened.
I didn’t know what love was
You cannot know something that you have never experienced. I had never experienced unconditional love, so I didn’t know what it looked like or what it was supposed to be. My only frame of reference was romance movies. Hence, I learned that what I was calling love, was only a strong infatuation.
Heartbreak was a blessing in disguise
Like you, I couldn’t let him go. I knew I should. Every person I knew told me I should, but I felt like I couldn’t. My insecurities were wrapped up in the relationship and if it failed, it meant I was a failure. If it failed, it meant facing the fear that I would never be able to attract someone like him ever again. It meant facing the fear of being along. But on the other side of fear is everything I dreamed and hoped for. On the other side of this fear was love waiting to embrace me, heal me and never let me go (no matter what I did). Waiting on the other side of this fear was God. So, when he chose to let me go, it was God’s gift to me. He (God) knew that I did not have the strength to let him go. He (God) knew that although it would break me, it was a good breaking because out of that place came a strength, a knowing of my worth and a revelation that I am indeed loved.
There are good men out there
Not every man is a boy. There are men out there that are growing, learning and maturing — JUST LIKE ME. My goal is not to seek them out. My goal is to better myself. It is to focus on myself and concentrate on my healing. It is to know my value and worth so that when I am ready to explore relationships again, I have healthy criteria and if it isn’t met, I am not afraid to ask him to leave or to walk out.
He was sent to distract me
I could not wholeheartedly focus my energy on bettering myself and finding purpose if I was wholeheartedly devoted to a relationship that was bent on extracting instead of adding to my life. When he was gone; love, clarity, life, and purpose flooded in.
These seven lessons are only a snippet of what I have learned so far. But, this is what freedom and clarity looks like. It is having your eyes opened to finally realize why you were holding on so tight. It is taking the time to acknowledge that you are broken and your soul needs surgery. It is re-emerging smarter, wiser and full of confidence knowing what you can and will not tolerate. It is gaining clarity to begin to assess your life to see where you are going and how you will positively affect this land. You simply cannot be and do these things with him or her in the picture. They are too much of a distraction and are not pushing you towards greatness but pulling you back. Let the dead weight go. I pray you find the strength to get up, pack your bags and move forward. I pray you allow yourself to hurt, to go to the dark places and ask yourself the deep questions. I pray you go on a journey to find out who YOU really are. Lastly, I pray you enjoy the taste of freedom so much that you never want to be bound again.
I hope this post has nudged you one step further into making the decision that will turn your whole life around and set you on course for your greatest breakthrough. But ultimately, it is YOUR decision.
You are stronger than you know!
Until Next Time,
Emem Joy Emah